we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Randomize
