i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
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