you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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