you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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