did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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