All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
Randomize
