Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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