Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
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