hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
