I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
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