we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
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