True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
