i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
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