Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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