just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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