I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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