does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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