TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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