I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
Randomize
