I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
