everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
Is it a bad thing that the only time i wear nice clothes to class, is when i get too fucked up the night before and wear the same clothes i went out in?
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
Randomize
