ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
Randomize
