This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
Randomize
