yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
Randomize
