My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
Randomize