I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
Does she know that uploading nude photos to photobucket and networking are two different things? You may want to ask.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
