New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
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