It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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