I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Randomize
