it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
its amazing there are so many photos of me and him separately, since most of that party time was spent sneaking away to fuck upstairs...
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
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