his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
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