I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
