Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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