I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
When are your genitals available?
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
