I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
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