Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Randomize