Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
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