the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Randomize