it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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