I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
