I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
