My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Randomize
