I will die if light touches me.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Pooping to opera.
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