When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I understand Curling. That high.
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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