I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
I'm scared at the amount of beastiality in this conversation.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Randomize
