About tomorrow. if it dosent fit dont force it. Just pushit as far as you can and i'll wiggle the rest of the way
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
Randomize