is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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