Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
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