At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
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