This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
