and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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