are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
foreskin is a definite game changer
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
We are all done wearing pants today
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Randomize
