I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
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